i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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