Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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