I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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