Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
