Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
