I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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