I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
