i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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