You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
My liver just had a heart attack.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
