...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
