I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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