I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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