is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
