do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
