My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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