Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
then he tried to convert me to islam
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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