Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
