i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
The best revenge is premature balding
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
