i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
40s are totally the cure
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
