You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
