im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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