I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
