Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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