What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
