I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
