i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
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