if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
