My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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