So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He passed out mid-signature
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
