Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
