John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
