when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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