final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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