god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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