The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
