Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
