My sheets look like a crime scene.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
