I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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