forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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