im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
