3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
