I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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