we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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