Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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