Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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