Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
