paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
