The maid of honor just puked.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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