Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
