Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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