Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
