I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
