meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
