So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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