I wish they made helmets for livers.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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