Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Randomize
