so explain again why im purple
no
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
