I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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