mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
